Friday 8 June 2018

Trying to find something to me changer les idées.. things to be thankful for? It's a pretty day today!
I'm meeting someone new later today. Pretty bloo skies. Happy Korean family playing on a canon in the park. Understanding supervisors. Nice cool breeze bringing bbq smells with it. Chichi.

Looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. I need it.

There's  a person sleeping on a bench, I thought it was a hobo, but upon closer inspection (from across the ways), it's someone fully clad in leather. A woman. A very red woman. Someone is going to be in a lot of pain later.
I just got grazed by a bee...came at me quickly,  looked like a bumblebee, did not feel fuzz, just the sting of flapping wings!

Feeling a bit better. A bit. Must've of been nature "rubbing" onto my cheek!

Monday 23 April 2018

How often..

Sat apr 21st. Came back from a good day. Therapy + 2nd driving lesson (theory). 2nd week in a row chichi asks me to call so he can pick me up.. last week he made a big stink because I wanted to stay home and finish cleaning the girls' cage instead of going with him and sean to play pogo. Well, not much i guess because he was with sean. il s'est repris. this week.. i don't know.
i also don't know if this affects anything, but it's worth noting. He asks me if i noticed anything not long after getting home.. and i hadn't. so i called out "you shaved?" because he usually says that if i don't comment on the fact that he shaved. but no, it wasn't that. he bought flowers. 2 roses and 3 dwarf iris with those pretty little white flours that ppl add as fillers. so instinctively i asked what happened. since the last two, and really the only two times he bought me a rose, it was after a fight. i don't remember the first one much, but i remember him coming back and giving me a rose as an apology. the second one was when i came back after i tried freezing myself (when he said he'd take my meds if i decided to take the meds.... controlling much?) so if you never give me flowers unless it's as an apology, don't expect me to receive them without reservation. and he didn't even give them to me, they were already in a vase. and he says matter of factly that he was out pokehunting and they were just there so he picked them up.

so a few minutes later, we were heading out to go walk at the park, but instead of going to the car he's got some change and says he wants to buy a loto. we were going out, he wanted to buy a loto at the dep, so we're walking and we're holding hands and we reach the red light. the light was already red. I stopped. i didn't want to cross on the red and so i stop, he wants to continue. so i let go of his hand, and instead of letting go, he tightens his grip and tries to pull me across.  (later on . the way he explains it, is that he was halfway across the street and not a car was in sight and that he was in the middle of the street) so in the process, he turns my knuckle red, i have a nice bruise on the side of my hand and my wrist hurts *on the other right side, all connected to the pinky, which is the kuckle he hurt). i didnt think he did it on purpose, but this is what he tells me. one he gets defensive, then he tells me it's "my fault" that i got hurt. and tells me not to start judging him and telling him what's right and not right just because i'm learning how to drive (or something along those lines, like not to judge him and start abiding by the rules, as though that's what this was all about.) i have been stopping at red lights, for the most part i don't even jaywalk. why? because i feel like it. and they've also started to give out tickets downtown, so all the better to get into the groove of it. but to him i'm looking down on him!).   and he tells me that sometimes i cross on the side streets, not at the corner and if i can jaywalk there then i have to elsewhere. like i can't pick where i want to follow the law and when i don't. really? that's your arguement??? so obviously, while we're in the car together, i don't want to fight. and il leve le ton whenever i'm trying to say something. obviously i'm going to get upset if you tell me it's my fault if i got hurt! he says if i hold his hand we're together and i have to keep holding his hand. and if he crosses i have to cross too. so i say by that meaning if we were to hold hands and walking on a bridge and i would decide to jump off, he would have to jump off too, right? and he tells me (or yells me) no that's crazy and it's not at all the same thing!!! i see.
you know what i'm asking myself.
is this abuse? a form of abuse, however slight. and if it starts like this, how does it end? is it going to develop?
Most of the time he's sweet, supportive, trustworthy, caring, i can feel the love, dependent (in the sense that i can depend on him).
 but yes there are times when he pounds things while looking at me, where he hurts me (and tells me it's because i won't understand if he doesn't show me.. like the time with the fish tank and he hurt my hand because he said if i handled the fish in a certain way it would hurt the fish and because "i wouldn't have understood, he had to show me".) i know he sometimes does du chantage emotionel. there are times where he makes fun of my weight in a mean way (not in the haha way we sometimes joke, sometimes it feels as though he's doing it to be hurtful). just like at times it feels like he's doing things to instigate. there are times when he's like a ticking time bomb, and while i've never feared that he'll hit me... i'm not so sure anymore because of something he mentioned saturday evening. so we were in the car and i wasn't saying anything because i didn't want to fight but at the same time, i didn't find what he did was right. he told me that if i want to hold his hand i have to continue holding it, and if i don't want to get hurt then i shouldn't do a power struggle with him because he'll always win, and i shouldn 't hold his hand.
so we're drivning in the car, and instead of going to the park, he goes to do a raid. and i'm not taking out my phone, at this point i'm trying to see if my wrist is just sore or sprained.. and so he asks if i'm doing the raid and i say no, and i ask weren't we going to go walking? anyways so he does his raid and tried to do another one and i think he's scowling at me but honestly i was lost in my own thoughts and then he asks if i want to go home and i say yes, without skipping a beat.
he drops me off and the goes off on his own.
you know when you hurt someone unintentionally, you apologize, right? you don;t get defensive.. it would've been over and done with by now. but i can't get it out of my heard. the way he got upset and accused me that i got hurt because of it being my fault? yep, that stays with you. and he says if it was intentional, that's when you appologize, not when it's accidental. [and another thing he mentioned like how il ne tient pas compte of the things i've done but that if i want to mention something i need to remember everything. you know how sometimes i also feel like he's playing on the "i din't remember anything, but i know i do and i remember it diffeerently, but he likes to insist that i don't remember to the point where i'm doubtig myself. yea... certain things..)]
and while we were discussing it, or rather in a heated discussion about it, or fighting, because he was very mad, "because of me bringing it back up after he had gotten over it" (he was clearly not over it). he said a few things that stick out. he kept saying why are you stretching something small into something big, and when i asked what would something big be.. he said, if i slapped you, (and j'ai cru entendre "which is what i wanted to do" right after), that would be a big deal. you and i both know what would happen if that was the case. and an apology would not be needed.  he mentioned at one point, after asking me what i was thinking.. if i ever think of leaving him, to which i answered no.
he asked me what i wanted, and i said some respect and an appology. so he says if i say i'm sorry i won't mean it. and then accuses me of not respecting him and not having consideration for him, and he brings up the flowers and how i couldn't even notice that he got me flowers. and how much thought he put into buying them and what the meaning of the flowers was. and like why there were 2 roses and 3 of the other flower (which he didn't know the exact name for), but explained it as being love for the roses and i don't remember why there were 3 irises but he mentioned how it was to commemorate having had a vacation or a nice time together  (i can't really rememeber what it was - just that it was so elaborate and how he went from it being nothing special (earlier on) to this whole big thoughtful thing (when he was mad).. yea,  and the meaning behind the fish he bought me and how he;s never really had an interest in those fish but he did because i liked them. and how he got them because they were lively and how the state of the tanks affect us and all this stuff. and yea, i was sitting down and probably i should've stood up, maybe it wouldn't have felt so condescending. he says " fine i'm sorry", so how am i supposed to take that? you just told me if you appologize you won't mean it. but he had gone to get a can of perrier and he's sippiing it and looking down at me and tels me "so what do you want to do about this", "so are we at an impasse?" and i ask what that is, and he says that it's something we put it aside and forget about. i looked it up just now, une impasse is a roadblock, so how is that "solved"? i said maybe i used the wrong word, i meant consideration instead of respect (mind youi, both kind of go hand in hand) and i specidfied it was in this particular situation only, but he says i was reffereing to him always. and how now it meant he wasn't good enough and had to try harder and i told him. no, that's not what i said, those were attentes he was putting on himself and i'm just referring to this one time and how maybe "Respect"was the wrong word, and i was thinking it was consideration, because it was a lack of consideration and then he's like, the word you're looking for is "consideration". so it's like water under a bridge now, although we're still very much on that bridge.. and i'm remembering what happened and you know i did some reading and it's stated how if it's abuse the person doing the abusing can seem to be very loving and perfect but then it doesn't have tobe constant but there are some signs, and i've seen some of these signs. so it brings me back to something Lies said "where would you go?" don't keep your eggs in the same basket. did we move in because of the wrong reasons? he said, "you said you were going to move in with me but you never do" so instead of waiting until the summer, i did almost right away. but i never really moved everything in, and at times he gave off the feeling like he only wanted me to because it was a pain for him to drive me how on tuesdays... eventually i would have anyways. i would've brought more stuff with me. i'm still only half moved, some of my things are here, lots are still there. now his brother is living there, rent free.. and what has my ultimatum been brushed uder the rug? i know it doesn't feel as pressing because he says he'll help me out, but really will he? and we're supposed to do our taxes and it's the last week, again it passed to the last of the month. he did this last year and then he was like "oh it's too late now, we'll do this next year".. but this year he's been going on with how it better not cost him anything because of me and if i owe anything i'll have to pay him.. because he'll be sending it in.. but then last week he was going on about how it would be ok and we wouldn't have to pauy anything and it would be quick because he would do it.

you would think with all of this i'd be this crazed ball of a mess of stress, but i'm ok. no, i don't want to terminate our relationship, there are a lot more good times, than bad times. but if anything i'm more observant than i've been. i will talk to Lies.
i'm mulling over things i hear. yesterday chez Boune, they asked me who was the guy i could sleep with that he would allow (like boune has brad pitt..the one who jusmps on sofas), and i say... "a pokemon" and he says the guys who play pogo? and i say no, a pokemon monster! but they ask him and he says anyone as long as he doesn't find out and if he does, he'll kill everyone. and i'm not sure if he was kidding..
discoveries, how he tells me that as a kid he used to torture animals and he doesn't find anything wrong with it..
i don't even know anymore, i'm starting to question everything, he tells me to get an s7 because he'll pay for the phone if i do (the phone is free, but let's say i go with koodo, i still have a tab, he says he'll pay for the tab, so he'll pay for my phone.. i didn't ask him to.. but he got mad at me about it. that's fine, was my hand thing a premeditated thing? he says it's not but i'm not sure with how much of a big deal he made out of it.. i'm thinking it would be better if we stop talking to each other as we do. no more bitch or whatever, because it's too easy to be pushed in the wrong direction. (the s7 thing happened before the hand thing...)

Saturday 20 January 2018

Sunshine on a Winter's Day!

I'm back after quite a long hiatus!
What I only learned a few months ago was that I had been on my way to a burnout. Lack of concentration, trouble finding words, overly emotional, mood swings, more so than just being hangry!
As any true bookworm can relate, one of the many benefits of reading so avidly, is the enriched vocabulary we receive. It's like an added bonus! To have to search for words, to the point where it's hard to formulate sentences to speak, constantly searching for things or constantly forgetting why you got up or what you were doing, it becomes pretty upsetting. I had to repeat words for whatever I had to do. Get some water? "Water, water, water, water, water" was in constant repetition in my mind. If I would enter the kitchen and stop repeating before reaching the sink, I would stop short. "What am I doing here?" "What did I need?" "Where was I going?" These thoughts would plague me. "Where was I, that made me want to come to the kitchen?" I would turn around, lost. It's a scary thought. Thinking you're losing your mind at 36!

I had lost the ability to concentrate, and thus all reading was put on hold. Can't get much reading done when you need to re-read the same sentence over 50 times and still can't catch what was said! I never thought of it much, but if I were to be honest, it felt like my passion for reading had burnt out. Can such a thing be possible?!?
To fill the void, I starting living through my friend's summary of books she was reading, she too is an avid reader and reads quite quickly. I needed it, to give me sustenance.

Unfortunately, burnout happened, and obviously had to be dealt with! It was not pretty, I wouldn't wish it on anybody! Not all stressors are gone yet, but I'm capable of dealing with them. One step at a time. Therapy helped and still helps. Time off work helped. Working on me, giving myself goals to work towards, reading, listening to music, writing, picking up old and new craft projects, seeing friends, saying "no" when I don't feel comfortable or when I feel overwhelmed, doing things that make me happy, travelling, baking, cooking, all these things and so much more! Therapy helps, I can't stress that enough! Therapy, it's talking/crying things out with someone who isn't a friend, or family, but can be trusted, and will listen to you. They don't judge you, they take notes and listen with an open mind, to help you see things from a different perspective. They help you find coping mecanisms, they suggest things and help you in your walk to better yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you see the world around you and how it all affects you.

Now that I'm on the mending path, I've been able to get some reading done! Finally! I feel as though I'm discovering my love for reading all over again! Great memories! New and old! Great stories, and there will be new posts soon of all the books I've read since I've been able to pick up a book and not put it down until it was done!!     

My only quelm now, is which book to read next?                                                                                                                                                             

Tuesday 12 July 2016

Hello and Welcome to my blog!

There isn't much here now, but this should change over the months. I've decided to join the 10th Canadian Book Challenge! I joined last year, but procrastination got the better of me =( 
This year, however, will be different!
I'm sure I'll still procrastinate some, can't change in the blink of an eye, can I? But I've already started my book reviews, so that's a plus! Woot!! =D

What is the Canadian Book Challenge, you ask?

It's a personal challenge to read 13 (or more) Canadian books in a year! These can be books written in Canada, about Canada or by Canadians. You choose which books you want to read, if you want to follow a theme, the genre, etc. 

Once you've read a book, write up a review. It's pretty simple! 

Here's a link to the website hosting the Challenge: The Book Mine Set


And a link to books reviewed thus far: Canadian Book Reviews

The Crashes of Waves by Rebekah Nicole

This book is to be the first in a series. As far as I can see, the sequel has yet to be published, but don't let that stop you from picking up a copy of this little gem. 


If you want a book that steps out of the norms, this is the book for you. 


Leila has a secret. She is unlike any other. The eldest of four daughters, she's been sheltered and home schooled by her parents, her entire life. This is all about to change, for when the summer ends, she will be attending high school. Living with a secret only her family has ever known, she has fears of how others will react if they ever come to discover that she's a mermaid. 

There is a boy who is known as V. He's very social, but never talks about himself, nor his past to anyone. V has a younger brother, Alec, with whom he is very close. They're not related by birth, yet they're inseparable. 

On the first day of school, while waiting for the bus, Leila and V meet. There's an indescribable attraction between them. As time goes on, and they get to know each other, V can't help but feel scared. He knows that soon, he'll have to tell Leila, as well as Alec, about his past. How will they react? More importantly, how will he keep them safe? 




This was a great read! I found myself not wanting to put the book (or in this case, my cell) down. I enjoyed the way the story unfolds, how the author puts mermaids into a different perspective and V's secret. That was a surprise! No scenario I had imagined came close to what that was! 

I found it a bothersome that we didn't discover V's name until the end of his second chapter. I feel that when someone is being introduced, they should first be named and afterwards, we can be told what others usually call them.

Also, I have mixed feelings about the ending. They say their goodbyes and that's it, it just ends. I don't want to say that the ending was rushed, because it didn't feel rushed, but it feels like maybe, it was cut short? I understand there's to be another book, and the story might be resumed there, but I feel like this could have been ended differently. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that the ending took anything away from the story, I just feel that there could have been more. 

Overall, this is a great story and one that should be read.

If you've read the book, let me know what you think in the comments below. 


A little bit about how I discovered this gem:

Rebekah Nicole is an author I stumbled upon recently. I had been reading a blog and at the end of an entry, she gave a link to her "newly" published book. Newly is relative, the post dated back to 2013. At the time of this book's publishing, she was attending University in Guelph, Ontario. The book is available on paperback or as an e-book. 






Wednesday 14 October 2015

The Murder Stone by Louise Penny

When I decided to do the Canadian book challenge, I knew I had at least two Canadian books in my posession. This book wasn't one of them! 
I didn't know anything about this book, had never heard of the author and it was published in the UK, so I didn't give it much thought. 

Imagine my surprise, when I started reading it! Here is Inspector Gamache, on vacation in an auberge in Quebec! Wondering why it was set in Quebec (my province, go figure!), sent me on a searh to see if the places within the book really existed. Then I was left wondering about the author, why would she set this in Quebec, was she Canadian as well? She is indeed! Born in Toronto, living in Quebec. How awesome is that?!?! 

Not only is this a great read, but I can add the book to the challenge!

What I enjoyed about this story is that while it's part of a series, you're given enough information about the characters, that it's not necessary to have read all the previous books to get an understanding of who they are. 

The only mystery that went unsolved, was "what is Bean?". As I went searching through the web looking up information about the author to see if she was Canadian, I visited her website. There, in the FAQ, I found a question asking about Bean's gender. To which the reply was, that the author never gave Bean a gender. 
Had I not come across this question, it would have never occured to me that Bean was genderless. It doesn't make a difference really, but to me, Bean had always been a boy. I ended up backtracking to the point where Bean was first mentioned, just to check if Bean really hadn't been introduced as a boy. Nope, seems my brain finished off Bean's intro on its own!

Some aspects of the book were predictable. Namely, the person who gets murdered. I also had my own suspects for the murderer. The true murderer ended up being one of my suspects but for a completely different reason. 

Overall, it was a very fun read, quite the page turner and I'm looking forward to reading more books from Louise Penny. 

This book is also published under the title: A Rule Against Murder (in Canada and the USA - I have the UK published version, so I went with that title)

Saturday 12 September 2015

Top Secret Twenty-One by Janet Evanovich ~ A Stephanie Plum Novel

Stephanie Plum, bounty hunter. 
Finding and bringing in skips is her job. Over the years, she's gotten better at chasing after skips and with her trusty "sidekick" Lula, you can be sure they'll eventually get their man, but the whole showdown will have you in stitches!

In Top Secret Twenty-One, Rangeman has been targeted in an assassination attempt! Thankfully, the attempt failed but we learn that someone from Ranger's past wants to settle a score with him and take out everyone close to him, including Stephanie! 

Stephanie's been chasing after a skip, Jimmy Poletti, a used car dealer who was selling more than used cars out of his dealership. Randy Briggs, who was Poletti's bookkeeper, turns up at Stephanie's doorstep, after someone bombed his home, asking for protection. He's got nowhere else to turn and, although the greatest pain in her backside, she allows him to stay in hopes of using him as bait to lure Poletti out.

Hilarious and captivating as always, Stephanie Plum doens't fail to deliver! She's true to herself and as unlucky as ever!

This was a hard book to put down, had I had the chance, I'd have read it in one sitting!

What I like about this series, is that you don't need to have read all the previous books to get into them. Whether you're new to the Stephanie Plum series, or a long-time fan (like I am), you'll be sure to enjoy this book!

Although, I'd recommend reading them all, if you have the chance, as they're quite hilarious.